seven fifty-nine
in clear red, my clock says seven fifty-nine. i turn off my alarm and snuggle back into my comforter with my eyes closed, but keeping myself awake. i have a tendency to wake up right before my alarm clock comes on. when you get so used to waking up to your alarm clock at a certain time every morning, perhaps you unconsciously wake yourself up before your alarm with the annoying beep does.
      i try to remember my dreams. the images are easy to forget, but the feeling it bestows is hard to ignore. a simple "happy" or "sad" cannot describe my first waking moment today, i am just here. i figure it wasn't a "bad" dream, or "good" enough to remember. i am quite relaxed without distractions of discouragement. as i walk outside for the first time today, i realize that i don't see the outdoors as often as i should. why do we keep ourselves in buildings for so long? i don't know.
      an unfamiliar cat makes me jump as it scurries away from under my car and disappears into the distance. it is kind of dangerous for a cat to be in such environment where it could get hit by a car in this crazy city. sometimes i wish i was a cat. they don't let anything bother them, so it seems. they just roam around observing the life of their human friends that ride in their cars, buy silly things, pave new roads, and build big buildings. their personality of unique moderation has always intrigued me.
      i quit my stupid job yesterday because everything is just bullshit over there. instead of putting up with it, i decided to let myself out of the torture before i go completely insane. so today, i plan to live with no worries. i have to do little things such as running errands and cleaning my house a little to catch up on the little things in my life. then, i plan to give myself a good rest and be lazy afterwards. right now i have to get my license renewed, which is why i'm up so early. maybe the day won't be too exciting, but at least i have my days to myself (for now). i'm convinced that i will have a good day today.
      i think i speak for many when i say that things can become repetitive. even if things are never really the same, you can't help but get the feeling that you still want something to change, something exciting or unexpected to happen. this is probably one of the reasons why i quit my job. i can now fulfill the hope of getting enough rest so i can balance out all the work that i usually force myself to do. people wonder why they're so depressed or tired, but the answer to solve such problem can be so simple that it's easy to forget. sleeping is as essential as waking, so why work more than resting? i'm not suggesting that everyone should quit their job though. its just that some say they don't have a choice, but to work and work and work… but if you really want or need something, you can find the time for it, just as you found all the time to work, right?

      as i arrive at the DMV, i notice that it's not so busy here. i won't have to wait for too long. they're just a few people in front of me waiting in line. usually, a long line doesn't really bother me anyway because i daydream way too much about i don't know what. when i stand waiting for something, it won't take me long to forget that i'm waiting.
      this place is so dull. everything is a different shade of brown. i like the color brown, but everything is poorly taken care of so the energy it gives off is rather sullen. i look at each person in line and of course, everyone is strangely different. once, when i was younger, i would observe every person from any distance just amazed at the crazy possibilities that makes each person so unique. everyone looks so weird, only because there is no such thing as normal.
      the lady in front of me glances around just as i am doing. i can only see the side of her face and i can automatically say, which i rarely say, that she is simply beautiful. she is stealing all my attention by just showing the side of her face. she quickly and innocently glances at me and it's obvious that i'm guilty of looking at her first and without looking away… hmm… i'm kind of surprised that someone this beautiful can look familiar to me, but i cannot remember where-
      she turns her body slightly and nonchalantly with a small, but natural smile and continues to glance at me only to catch me stare at her continuously. i think i'm smiling. her smile is soft. i can't take my eyes off of her. she finally broke the silence by saying that i look very familiar. my insides jump when i realize that she is familiar to me, too. i can feel that she is just as nervous as i am and for a reason we probably do not understand at the moment. we finally figure it out by saying each other's name at the same time. i don't know if she's surprised that i remember her name without her reminding me. i can't even think straight.
      i last saw amanda when i was in middle school, which is well over ten years ago! i had the biggest crush on this girl and she was one of the most beautiful and sweetest people to me. we were friends, but it got kind of weird after this whole misunderstanding with her and i. there was a situation where she probably thought i had ditched her with my friends at the end of sixth grade year. it's a long and stupid story that should've never happened. in a way i'm guilty, but i'm also not. i just felt too embarrassed to really explain myself, so we didn't really talk much after that. we kind of left on a bad note, but not officially. i never saw her again because i moved to atlanta a couple of years later. middle school was a horrible experience for me. you are doing way too much growing up and you go through changes that sometimes you yourself can't keep up with. sometimes, you wish it was different by thinking that you should've done so many things, but at the same time you regret doing the other things.
      we didn't really introduce ourselves because we already once knew each other and it's hard to start again when there wasn't really an end. all the memories of her are coming back to me. i apologize sincerely about that time in middle school. with the memories that i have of her, her nature is still as friendly as she is forgiving. i cannot believe that i'm face to face with her once more, someone i was once infatuated with and someone i almost forgot.
      apparently, she had just moved from colorado and has only been here for a couple of days. i cannot resist offering my help for the move since she is new here and has no one to associate with at the moment. she warmly accepts. there is no way that i'm going to let her go again and there is no reason to not embrace this human being into my life once more.
      we ended up talking for hours trying to catch up on each other's lives. the thought of who this person is seems quite overwhelming. i helped her move some boxes into her new home and the time flew by as i was unconsciously breaking a sweat and becoming ever so attracted with someone at the same time. we have a late lunch together after we realized how hungry we were and couldn't lift up another cardboard box.
      there are endless things to talk about and to learn about each other. she has a sense of humor that can make you give a real smile, rather than those fake ones you have to give to people to pretend you care. she is down to earth and honest, but her mysterious innocence will captivate anyone who is capable of love. what are the chances of this happening to me now? what are the chances of seeing an old friend that you haven't seen in over a decade and then suddenly you are face to face with them? it seems too good to be true. i never once thought of seeing her again, nor falling in love with her all over again. these things only happen in movies. i do take awareness on how much we've both grown in the past decade. i am almost a completely different person when compared to the little ignorant girl i was in middle school. amanda has also grown drastically and it's amazing to see how she has grown. we are able to communicate like we've kept in touch all these years and our laughs and smiles now make up for the ones that were absent in most of our lives.
      it is almost as though we are avoiding separation and parting for the day so we continue to not mention of our daily goals that we may have had in mind before we met. it is not everyday that you meet someone from the past with such admiration, so it quietly reminds us both to take our time through the day and even for the rest of our lives. everything is simply going wonderfully. everything and everyone else was behind us somewhere as we simply rested our bodies on the porch smoking a joint and listening to the cars stream by in a nearby street. you quickly forget the noise humans and their machines make because the natural way of nature is still inside of you no matter the situation. without forcing our thoughts, we naturally become at peace with our present and enjoy the moment we are spending together.
      without giving any thought, i offer to take her up to the mountains tomorrow, which is not too far away from here. i told her that since she's worked so hard with moving, she deserves a break away from the city and that she should rest her mind and body. without hesitation, she accepts and thanks me for being so kind. the ease of casual planning for the rendezvous established a comforting nature we are able to give to each other and our strange relationship.
      although i just met amanda (well, sord of) i am reminded of the beauty of friendship that two people can have. the concept of friends is quite interesting because an individual has a unique relationship with every person. because of the fact that amanda has been absent in my life for so long i now feel something in me has been fulfilled even though before i didn't know something was missing.
      i look at my watch; it is already seven in the evening. i hate watches. i rarely wear them. i got this watch as a gift so i decided that i'll give it a try. it feels weird to have something wrapped around my wrist constantly reminding me of a time. yet as much as anyone might hate it, we all depend way too much on it. today, i forgot about time and remembered how it is possible to make it non-existent.
      i am getting hungry again. it's been a few months now since i've decided that i should cook some more instead of eating out so much. i would save some money and as silly as it sounds, i believe i'll have more appreciation for food and my body. people set goals for themselves, but we have the tendency to make it hard to get things started. my only problem is that i can't really cook. as i tell amanda this, she gets excited and suggests that we have dinner at her house. apparently, she loves to cook and have been doing so since forever. i honestly don't know what to say.
      we decide to walk to the grocery store and buy some food since amanda doesn't really have any food in her house at the moment. we accomplished a lot today, mentally and physically. i am glad to have been of great help for amanda because i cannot imagine her moving all that stuff by herself. we were able to establish something new from the old and simply grow from recognizing each other's growth.
      walking to the grocery store was a great idea. we are now in the midst of twilight where all is blue. it is beautiful because it's not too bright, nor is it too dark. if you have no idea what part of the day it is and all is blue, you can't tell whether it is morning or evening. twilight is the time of day that reminds us all to be calm and breathe. i never really thought of this before, but it's kind of strange to be surrounded by so many buildings without a trace of a tree. i wonder what the forest would look like in blue. the thought of experiencing this wonder tomorrow with amanda makes me smile. amanda begins to talk about her experiences in colorado and how she forgot the fact that she misses the mountains. she smiles as she looks at me and tells me she couldn't ask for a better day. i can't help, but think that she is as sweet as she is beautiful. i wonder how i handled everything that happened to me today. for an emotional person like me, it seems as though it should be overwhelming, but out of all other days, today i am able to compose myself.
      i am not shy to admit that there is something between amanda and i. there is something exotic about seeing someone from the past again while becoming passionate with the idea of a unique and wonderful relationship-
      without any signs of warning, there is a sudden shriek of tires in a very short distance and before we knew it, a car in great speed makes a sudden turn at the corner of the street where amanda and i stand. with intuition and no thought at all, i jump to push amanda away. i feel a hard hit on my whole body… and blue turns into complete darkness…

      i can feel people surrounding me speaking the language i no longer speak, i can only hear and understand myself. although the energy of life scurries around me, my energy is drained and all i can do is lay on earth with my eyes closed and i feel i might leave the world a little earlier than i expected… what just happened?… oh yeah… i think i got hit by a car… but hey, things happen unexpectedly, right?… with all that was going well today, i made it better by saving someone that could possibly be the love of my life.
      i remember my dream now. in my dream, i have my eyes wide open, but i only see nothing and darkness. have you ever looked around in the complete dark? you actually see more than you think. although it may look like nothing, images can form and become alive at your command or you can just let things go and let the images become what they want to become. so in my dream, i decided to just let things go. i gave one blink and in that split second, my dream takes me into a fast paced location. there appear to be cars driving by in great speed. i can see a familiar coffee shop across the street from my home. i am sheltered lying under something, making comfort possible lying on the hard ground. it doesn't necessarily feel like mother earth, it is manmade cement made for all my human friends to ride their cars on so they can go buy silly things, pave more roads, and build more big buildings. i hear a sudden noise and intuition led me to quickly jump and scurry away into a distance without looking back. it is a short dream, but every dream is good enough to remember.
      i do not feel my physical self, nor do i particularly care. i wonder though, what is going on around me and why my energy is being sucked out of me. i slowly open my eyes, but without my glasses everything surrounding me is a blur… but… i can see her… amanda is here and she seems to be holding me in her arms with blood all over her. it must be my blood. she looks really worried and scared. tears are running down her pretty face. although we have to part once more, i want to reassure her that there is nothing to afraid of, nor nothing to be downhearted about.
      "no worries, you have brought me great joy…" i give her a real smile. i could not say anything more, but i can be happy with simple things and i can only feel relieved now… i close my eyes for the last time…

strange… after waking up this morning, i was hoping for the unexpected, so…
i die…
      …perhaps…

      i will wake up in someplace new…

and have another good life…